How to Write the Most Popular Apple Article Ever

by Devanshu Mehta Mar 15, 2007

After writing for Apple Matters for nearly a year and on various blogs for even longer, I feel I now have my finger on the pulse of the Apple community. So much so that I have a pretty good idea of how to get that pulse racing. Here are a few tongue-in-cheek tips to write the most popular Apple article ever:

Mention Microsoft
Better still, mention Vista. And Bill Gates. You can say how Apple does things better than Microsoft, or even better, say how Microsoft does something better. Even if it is completely off-topic, bring in a little mention in the middle of the article.

Announce a Rumor
Don’t have one? Make one up! Now you’re wondering how to make up a rumor. Well this is what you do—think of a new consumer electronics market that Apple has not entered and say that it will enter that market. Example: “Apple to enter the digital thermostat industry!” Or, take two popular electronic software devices and say Apple is merging them into a new iDevice. The lower-case “i” lends credibility to your story. On that subject—

Write About the Next Apple Love-fest Conference
And tie it in to the rumor announced. Example: “The new iCrowave, Apple’s ipod-driven Microwave, is going to be announced at the WWDC this spring!”

Talk About Market share
And make big claims about it too. Take small pieces of data and extrapolate them. Take statistics of market share growth rates and find out what happens if those rates continued for 100 years. Then you could have a headline that says “Analysts Say Apple Market share to Climb to 87%,” hiding the details in the body of the article where you admit that it will not happen until the year 2109.

Lawsuits
Everybody loves lawsuits. Potential lawsuits, rumored lawsuits, pending, actual—readers love them some legal action. Popular Apple legal issues come in two varieties—ones where Apple is the bully going after the little guy and ones where other corporations are the bullies and Apple is standing up for the little guy.

Processor Upgrades
The next Dell XPS will have an Intel dual core double-espresso core six quattro, you say, and no one cares. Say the same thing about the Mac and suddenly you’re on the front page of Digg, Slashdot, and the New York Times.

And Now, the iPhone
Until recently, you just had to say iPod in your article and it would exude coolness. Now, you have to say iPhone. Couple that word with a lawsuit or a rumor (or any of the previous tips) and you have a real winner.

Love Apple
Writing only in superlatives—backing up your arguments, of course—describe how the next Apple product is the best. Mask the fact that you have not actually used the next Apple product by citing “industry insiders” and “leading experts.”

Hate Apple
There is only so much traffic you can get from an “I love Apple” article. If you really want to bring the readers out of the woodwork, you have to write an “I hate Apple” piece. Even a mildly critical article will do. You can say, “I love absolutely everything about Apple, except for this little annoying Preference Pane in Mac OS X” and you will still bring thousands of Preference Pane defenders to your article. It’s fascinating.

Of course, if I know all these tips, why don’t I have the most popular Apple article ever? I’m wondering that myself—maybe this one will be.

Based on these tips, let me know in the comments what the most popular Apple article’s title would be. Example: “Gates Rumored to Pursue Legal Action Against Flawed Quad Duo iPhone After its Market share Doubles.”

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Comments

  • Heheh - a good chuckle Devanshu, and oh so true.

    Chris Howard had this to say on Mar 15, 2007 Posts: 1209

  • My preferred article would be. Government of US (or EU) sets up independent tests to determine what computers to buy in the department of…

    Belgium sacked Unisys last week. A multimillion contract. After they failed to make any achievements in making the programs for the justice and for the tax department during the last( I think) 4 years. In stead of using the unisys program, tax collectors use ONE (1) excel sheet that gets backupped once a week.

    WAWA had this to say on Mar 15, 2007 Posts: 89

  • I certainly agree with the last tip. After 1000 pro-Apple articles, I wrote one article recently criticizing a perceived glitch with the iTunes store’s redownloading policy, and you would not believe the number of people who rushed to defend Apple.

    I think most people did not even read the article, just a blurb on Digg and the headline ad thought I was bashing Apple because I failed to backup my purchased music. Perhaps it is poor communication skills on my part, but I still think if people realized what the article was actually about, they would agree that a few small fixes could help make the iTunes store even better. Sometimes it is hard to even offer constructive criticism in the Apple community.

    Dr. Macenstein had this to say on Mar 15, 2007 Posts: 2

  • Apple to enter adult market with the new iBrator with touch screen controls, internet, and music capabilities.  Also in consideration is the iSponge, with video capability…

    TexasAg03 had this to say on Mar 15, 2007 Posts: 17

  • Sometimes it is hard to even offer constructive criticism in the Apple community.

    So much wisdom and sad reality in so few words.  I’ve been saying this for YEARS (without the word ‘sometimes’).

    The diehard Mac fans are easily manipulated.  Just ask Steve Jobs on one end and Dvorak on the other.  What’s funny is that Dvorak even announces to the world that he is going to criticize Apple just to increase traffic to his site from all the crazed Apple defenders.  And it WORKS - every time!  He plays them like a drum.

    Beeblebrox had this to say on Mar 15, 2007 Posts: 2220

  • “Next iPod Video Expected To Destroy Both Microsoft And Dell, While Doubling Apple’s Market Share Monthly”

    Steven Weyhrich had this to say on Mar 15, 2007 Posts: 7

  • Dell and Microsoft Invade MacWorld To Sue Apple Over iPhone And Plan Release Of The New MSPhone With Dual Krypton Flash Processor That Will Easily Cripple Apple Marketshare

    Beeblebrox had this to say on Mar 15, 2007 Posts: 2220

  • Well done, Steven and Beeblebrox. Steven takes the safe approach by appealing to the fan base, while Beeblebrox is clearly out to get the most number of comments and counter-arguments, while making everywhere.

    Devanshu Mehta had this to say on Mar 15, 2007 Posts: 108

  • Sometimes it is hard to even offer constructive criticism in the Apple community.

    So much wisdom and sad reality in so few words.  I’ve been saying this for YEARS

    Sometimes it is hard to even offer constructive criticism in the Apple community.

    Sometimes it is hard to even offer CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM in the Apple community.

    Benji had this to say on Mar 15, 2007 Posts: 927

  • This article is recursive.
    It is also a fine example of: How to write an article when you have no clue and a deadline.
    HEADLINE.
    <b>Steve Jobs turns mean</b
    …and cuts off iTunes from every country and later even everyone who whines about drm. iPods can only be bought by signing an agreement never to object to it.
    Leopard can only be bought by certified Apple fan-boys like me.

    WAWA had this to say on Mar 17, 2007 Posts: 89

  • forgot >

    WAWA had this to say on Mar 17, 2007 Posts: 89
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