2008 Predictions

Some of you more observant readers might have noticed that even though we are almost two months into 2008, I have only just now churned out a list of new year’s predictions. What can I say, I like to give myself time to think about these things. There is just too much pressure to have this kind of thing ready by the first of the year, which is why I like to take a more relaxed approach. So, without further ado, here are my top 10-ish predictions for 2008.

#10—Apple Will Rent Movies On iTunes
I can already hear you screaming, “No way!” But to that all I can say is “Way!” It will happen. Mark. My. Words. They will rent movies. Good movies, bad movies, new movies, and old movies, they will all appear on iTunes. And despite a petition by the International Association For The Prevention Of Crimes Against Humanity (IAFTPCAH for short), they will even rent Will Ferrell movies. Popcorn is still extra though.

#9—Apple’s Stock Price Will Have No Connection To Reality
Apple will do absolutely nothing and its stock price will soar. Then they will release a slew of new, innovate products that will garner high reviews and sell millions, and their stock will then plummet. All attempts at forcing Wall Street to behave normally will fail in spite of the dozens of analysts screaming about how good a deal their stock currently is.

#8—Microsoft Buys Yahoo, Millions Sense A Deep Disturbance In The Force
Having completely run out of ideas and yet still feeling convinced they must do something, Microsoft moves to buy Yahoo. I anticipate Yahoo flipping them the bird out of sheer stubbornness. In response Microsoft will start a vigorous campaign of calling the Yahoo board of directors and chanting “Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.” And then it will get ugly.

#7—Apple and Google Merge, Reality Tears Apart Because Of Resultant Awesomeness Explosion
I think that Steve Jobs considers doing this some days just to see how Redmond would take it. I imagine Ballmer has some cyanide pills stashed away for just such an event. Either way, I’m fairly certain that this would be disallowed by the regulatory agencies. You just can’t have that much awesomeness all in one place without creating a vacuum. It’s like daring karma to go do something about it. And sure enough, the day after this deal goes down some nation in the Pacific is going to get crushed by a giant tsunami.

#6—My Top 10 List For 2009 Might Arrive Before April, If I’m Lucky
It is always good to have a goal for the new year.

#5—Apple Will Sell Its Millionth-Billionth-Gazillionth Song On iTunes
Yeah, we get it, you’ve sold a lot of songs. You are so far ahead, we can’t even see the guy in second place. We get it, you rock, now stop with the big scary numbers at every Mac Expo you hold. I think you have now sold enough songs for the competition to get the message. Just send them personalized T-shirts that saw “We suck” and be done with it.

#4—Apple Announces A Razor Thin Laptop
Apple will actually release a laptop so thin that it won’t be allowed in prisons for fear of being sharpened into a weapon. It also won’t have a FireWire port, Ethernet port, or disc drive. Oddly enough, the resultant specification-related screams will sound like those that often come from a prison shower.

#3—Consumers File Class Action Lawsuit Against Apple Because They Keep Cutting Themselves On Their Laptop
You know it will happen. First exploding batteries and now razor sharp laptops. Someone will accidentally rub their laptop against a slightly coarse surface and the friction will soon hone their cute little laptop into a machine of death. What can I say? When you create a laptop that is officially endorsed by Connor MacLeod, you may have a problem.

#2—Apple Will Sell a Phone
Tentatively I’m thinking they will name it the iPhone. It will be a revolutionary device capable of doing all sorts of things you never thought you would pay that much to do. But suddenly, because Apple will make it look so cool, otherwise completely rational people will be flocking to nearby retailers in hopes of purchasing such a device. This is, of course, just a prediction. They may just make another overpriced set of iPod speakers.

#1—The Zune Will Still Suck, Only Now It Will Suck As A Phone Too
Microsoft will bolt a phone onto the Zune because…itis what they do. Saying that it will suck is a given. However, as an added bonus Microsoft will offer backwards compatible Zune phone upgrades to all current Zune users. It will be a RAZR and a roll of duct tape, ‘cause that’s how innovation rolls at Microsoft.

And there you have it, my best guesses for 2008. This year, I’m feeling lucky.